Ramblings, Rants and Reverie

Wow....almost 4 months has passed

2010-06-15T23:18:00.003+10:00

I knew it had been awhile since I posted but seriously almost 4 months is far far too long.....

So I suppose its probably a good time to do a quick overview of the happenings of my life since I last posted. This is the milestones in no particular order:

I turned 29!
I can now drive a manual car
I did a roadtrip to Canberra with myself, D and three children and survived to tell the tale.
I have driven to Gloucester all by myself (we will ignore the fact I got lost).
I passed another uni subject!
I returned to my old uni haunts and got totally bitten by the theater bug again! OH DEAR!
I have taken a semester off uni to concentrate on me!
I have found a bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding!
I am still very much in love with D.
I have officially toilet trained Master Joshua, hallefreakinlujiah!
I am still dancing, albeit I need to make sure I do so more regularly.

It has been a crazy busy almost 4mths. There have been challenges along the way but somehow I keep coming out of them stronger and intact...which is really all we can hope for. Work is extremely busy but that is fantastic and as I said I have decided I have earnt 12 weeks off from uni..I have been studying non-stop for 18mths or more..my brain and my body needed a break. I am going to try and achieve a large list of personal to do's...so that when I go back to uni I feel rejuvenated, relaxed and rested...

Today I was in Gloucester visiting D and it was so surreal to totally relax, I read a magazine...I watched an old favorite film of mine...I pottered and there was no GUILT...none, nada, zip..I didn't spend the day thinking "oh crap I should be reading this or working on that essay or doing this research". Chances are I will get a little bored...but that is where I may be completely insane and try and do a show of some sort in the next 12 weeks. Even if not on stage then backstage would be awesome. I miss that thrill...I do indeed blame Leigh as he took me into a new fancy lighting bio box......that did it....my resolve to not do a show or theater or arts project broke the minute I saw that lovely shiny new audio and lighting equipment and had such an awesome view of the stage below.

Master Joshua is going to be 5 very soon and he has the attitude to match lol..but at the same time he is growing up so very fast before I know it he will be at school and I will be wondering where my little baby boy went. I cannot believe that this time 5 years ago I had just celebrated my last birthday before I officially became a Mum. You hear people say that time flies as you get older, that it seems to quicken in pace. It's not until you become a parent and the time is measured not so much by what I do or achive but by how my child grows and their accomplishments you realise how quickly it passes..how precious it really is.

This sense of preciousness and time passing is a huge motivater in why I decided to take 12 weeks off uni. I want to enjoy some time with Joshua, guilt free. I want to take him out to Oakvale Farm, which we did last week. I want to be able to play cars and trucks with him and watch him create the most amazing cities out of building blocks. Because very soon when he enters school his perception of me as the center of his universe will alter...he will begin to truly carve out his own place in this big world and I will not be able to shield or filter him from outside influences as much. I just pray I have done a good enough job that he is well prepared for this big wide world.

There is much more I want to write and record so that it is captured and can be looked back on in years to come but it is late and I have a long drive home in the morning and D has to get up early. I am sure that the sound of my fingers tapping on this keyboard are not really the best background noise for sleeping.

So I will sign off for the eveing but I promise I will return and update more. I need to remember to use this blog as a creative outlet and as a place to record the milestones and achievements and events which happen in my life. I will however leave you with a question....

For those of you who have watched Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet do you think Mercutio was in love with Romeo in more then a brotherly way? I was watching this move again today and I am still not decided 100% either way...thoughts?

I made this!

2010-03-23T01:55:00.001+11:00

This is a rambling late night or early morning post to celebrate the fact that I just made my blog very pretty indeed! I like it! It took me a little bit to figure out how to do it but then I got the hang of it and of course it helps when there are fantastic sites such The Cutest Block on the Block that have free backgrounds and templates you can upload!

The other reason I felt the need to blog is that I have had a great deal of trouble articulating both online and in real life why I am feeling frayed and stretched and exhausted I realized its not because I need security as I have been thinking and stating lately. Rather it is because I need to feel safe, I am craving a soft place to fall. I need to feel enveloped in a safe place where I am buffered from the wind that is eroding my outer core. I don't need that protection to feel secure. I feel I am developing as a person and to do this to the best of my ability I feel that I need somewhere safe to do this. And where is my safe haven, my safe haven is home...and of late I have felt much like a gypsy. I have moved A LOT since Joshua was born, the house we are renting is currently on the market to be sold...and prior to living on my own and having Joshua my family moved around a fair amount as well. On top of this at the moment I am living between my house and D's house and not only am I living between two houses the dynamics of those houses are quite different therefore I am feeling as though I am drifting aimlessly.

I think I need to get some sleep have a dentist appointment in the morning...eeek I really do not like the dentist...and then we have to take the puppy for his needles and then I have to work in the afternoon and then I am going to do some study and then I am going to do a Lyrical and a Latin Dance class...

Well on that note I am going to try and get some sleep for a few hours before I have to wake up again..OH and the other news of the night I was re-elected as the President of the Preschool Management Committee again.....so looks like the madness continues...

From to do to done

2010-03-22T09:17:00.000+11:00

I survived the weekend with Prince Joshua and Princess M who I was looking after as her Mum had a pre-arranged conference and D's roster changed to 14 straight, 7 off. It was lovely that both her parents trust me to look after her for the weekend and for the most part it was an awesome time.

We did a grocery shop Friday night, had McDonalds for dinner because lets face it by the time I had packed up a carload of stuff for Joshua and I to take to D's, done a grocery shop for all of us for the weekend Maccas was about all I could manage...
We then woke up the next morning and went to a birthday party for Miss E a friend of Prince J's. I cannot believe that all our babies are turning 5! Where did the time fly?

We came home lazed around, okay kids lazed around watching DVD's on a computer and one on a laptop...I washed up, finished the washing, vacuumed and mopped the house....then D drove back for dinner which was home made pizza that the kids made together..I felt that they needed an activity to do together that encouraged co-operation and was FUN at the same time. They bicker a bit, its an age thing, a new relationship thing and totally expected BUT also something I would like to try and iron out early on in the relationship so that they can be strong step-siblings later in life. I am very close to my step-siblings and would like the same for Prince J and Princess M.

Sunday morning I got the most wonderful, divine, gorgeous longed for present a...wait for it...trust me it is awesome.....you will be so jealous......

A SLEEP IN!!!!!
Yes that right the kids didn't wake up properly until 8am! I was in a state of shock. Joshua climbed into bed early hours of the morning and Princess M work me at eight to request a DVD be put on.

After our sleep-in, breakfast and a bit of a a DVD I banned the DVD/Comput/Nintendo DS/TV/Laptop for the day and encouraged the children to play! They built the most amazing wooden train track in the house from their bedroom all the way out the back door. We then had a picnic lunch outside and went for a scooter ride in the afternoon. After all this they both settled in and were allowed to watch a Barbie DVD. I have decided that I need to encourage more imaginative play with Joshua, I have gotten out of my habit of one structured activity a day between he and I, e.g. a picnic outside, a painting activity, craft etc. I need to do it...I need to start making my own grown up day more structured as well..

So now it is Monday....and after last week and feeling a little frayed and fragile I have decided that I need to take control back. I need to be more organised I have written a HUGE to do list and it will be DONE! I am going to start putting EVERYTHING in the diary. I have to...And I will also make sure that I make time for myself BUT I also need to ensure that I make time for Joshua.

So I am going to try and create a weekly routine, I will never be rigid enough to have a set daily routine BUT I can certainly make a list of tasks that have to be done each day. I am proving to myself that I can indeed manage family life, work, relationships, being a student etc and I can do it fairly well. Now it is time to have faith in myself, be proactive and hopefully I can continue to be organised and enjoy 2010.

Frayed

2010-03-18T00:58:00.000+11:00

Wow two posts in a week! A record perhaps....

I am feeling a little well hemmed in at the moment for various reasons but before I list the not so positive aspects of life I am going to take a moment to BOAST!!!

I DROVE A MANUAL CAR TONIGHT!

My gorgeous man is determined to teach me to drive a manual car, our last effort saw me bunny hop down my suburban street and then pull over a few meters along and him have to drive the rest of the way! Tonight I actually managed to get up to 5th gear and do 80kms! Granted it was a straight road but it was night time and this car is a FREAKING TANK! Well not really its a 4WD but its a freaking big 7 seater 4WD and I am very proud of myself. And amazed that D was so patient and was fantastic at explaining what I had to do and didn't loose it with me once...which is no mean feat considering I am pretty sure I came close to crashing and lets say going around a roundabout having absolutely no idea what gear you are in....or should be in...is an experience...

But I did it and we also had a lovely dinner at the pub, watched Princess M at gymnastics although she did fall and hurt herself and did some off-roading as well which was fun..NOTE I was not the driver for the off-roading!

But back to the whole why I am feeling frayed...I just feel as though I am sort of one of those knitted or woven dolls and I am still nice and plump and tightly woven towards the center, however the outer shell is beginning to fray and develop loose strands from all the impact and wear and tear from external forces.

I am honestly incredibly happy in my core at the moment, I am happy with my studies, I am happy with the chosen direction for my career, I am loving being a mum to my gorgeous son Joshua and I am in a loving, positive relationship but the outer edges are still frayed.....

I suppose what I am trying to say is that whilst I am able to balance the extremely important aspects of my life; motherhood, education/career and romantic relationships, the other aspects of my life are feeling undone.

I received a call today that the current owner wants a market appraisal done on the house we are renting...this threw me into some turmoil as I realized that we may need to look at moving...this may mean that my living arrangements may change...and this will require BIG decisions. Then there are a long list of to do things which contribute to me feeling hemmed in, these include such tasks as taking the DVD of a theater show I did (before my son was born :O) to the Central Coast, finish sorting and cleaning out the garage, making some calls to find out some information that I have been meaning to chase up for a few years e.g. tracking down my lost superannuation. There is also housekeeping stuff such as backing up my computer, developing a routine for study/gym/dance class etc which are day to day things that hem me in. I just feel as though I am yet to find a happy place where I can put down roots and grow, relax and feel secure.

Although secure is not the best description of what I think I need to reduce this constant feeling of edginess. I want to feel like I am able to settle somewhere for a little while and that I have a buffer against the sources that are fraying my edges. I would like to know I am not constantly battling the clock or feeling as though things are being left undone.

I have found though that I am trying to let myself experience how I am feeling and then I am trying very hard to articulate and express those feelings so they don't fester inside and so that I can work out a solution to them. I am trying a little more to enjoy the ride and not just focus on the destination and I suppose that everyone feels a little frayed at times...

The trick is not to let yourself unravel. And I am pretty sure that a good way to not unravel would be to anchor my center with some roots....

A not so average week. Challenge 36: Take us through your week

2010-03-16T02:38:00.001+11:00

Do you have a day of the week that is your favourite or you dread? Take us through the day or your week- what happens, what makes it pleasant/challenging - Do a mini-diary of your day - let your readers know what your life is REALLY like. Take photos if you wish...

This is my first attempt at the Blog This weekly challenge so come and join me in a not so typical week which will possibly become my typical third week.

I have decided to write this entry in the style of a mini diary covering the week of Sunday 7th of March 2010 to Sunday 14th of March 2010. Now to set the scene for you my dedicated readers, this is my second week of university for this study period, my man D has been away for 14 days working however during that time we had a VERY testing time in our relationship which we came through but it stretched us the edge of our beings. During this week I had to work and made the decision to enrol Joshua at a new occasional care center at my work which is a HUGE step for me as he currently attends a preschool where I am heavily involved and my mum, Joshua's nan, works there. In addition to this D is sorting through his own issues from a domestic perspective and we also were due to have the kids during the week so it is Blended Family week! So this could be the typical week for me every three weeks or so :O :O

Sunday 7th March 2010:
AM: Spend the morning recovering after Jungle Sports on Saturday. The man arrived back from Gloucester around 6.00pm so I got to run away down the road to his house for the night...

PM: We had a wonderful impromptu evening, laughing and spending time together as a fun kid-free couple, we found the chocolate fondue bar at the local club, had a bit of a gamble on the pokies and I WON!! YAY!! We went back to D's place (mum was fantastic and had Joshua overnight)I won't post all the details here but I was very very happy to have D home.

Monday 8th March 2010:
AM: Woke up early, 7ish and D dropped me back to my house and we dagged around, playing trains with Joshua, D made a profile for Joshua to log into on the laptop, D had to deal with some domestic issues and I had to be a supportive girlfriend which was hard but I did it. I chatted to friends online and of course was all the time juggling the mum and girlfriend role and I played student too and finished some uni work and downloaded this participation activity.

PM: Spend the evening with D at his place. We did some washing and general domestic duties, I stayed the night as mum was great having Joshua however that also meant that we had to get up early the next day. I was feeling a little bit guilty that D wasn't getting much downtime on his week off. Now the evening at D's also consisted of sorting out dinner after I had sorted out dinner for Josh at my place

Tuesday 9th March 2010:

AM: Wake up early and we pottered around whilst I got ready for work and prepared Joshua for his day at a new daycare place and D had to deal with the fact he had an appointment that he needed to attend BUT was going to be incredibly emotionally difficult. We took Joshua to his new occasional care, Joshua was happy to run off and play and I was so grateful to have D with me as it made it easier being single I had forgotten how much I missed having that moral support at tough parenting times. D had his appointment to go to and I had to sit and write up a crap load of paperwork then run over to work, the new daycare is in the same building. For 4 hours I acted out that I was a a marathon runner with an injured knee and then provide feedback to the physio students on their manner, professionalism and also some constructive criticisms...

PM My gorgeous Mum picked up Joshua for me and D picked me up from work at which point the wheels fell off.I engaged in a conversation with a toxic person I never ever ever should have engaged in....I felt slightly gutted and emotionally drained by the end of it however I did not give up the fight, I am currently in the most wonderful relationship I have ever experienced and I am determined to make it work through communication and openness. D and I talked and we dealt with our issues and hauled our backsides to Latin Dancing...that was quite hilarious....it was the Cha Cha which is not a dance I enjoy or am particularly good at and D looked rather uncomfortable for the first bit but we finally got it going on... And to me there was nothing more sexy or lovable then watching him doing the cha cha after the huge fight we had just had, I admired that he could put aside all the crap we had just dealt with and still come and do something with me that I enjoy and had been looking forward to doing together for awhile. We stayed the night at D's place

Wednesday 10th March 2010

AM: We took Joshua to Preschool where what should have been a quick drop off turned into the usual Mum/Preschool Committee President Juggle as I had to speak to the newly appointed Director whom I just been involved in hiring, then I had to organize the Annual General Meeting notes going out to the parents and I also took time to organize a play date for Joshua and take home the party invitation that was in the pigeon hole...

The whole time whilst we had to be back at D's house for a builder....

Got back to D's house at around 10.30 after making a 9am drop off at preschool....then hung around waiting for the builder who of course didn't turn up, I washed up did another 2 or 3 loads of washing and put another few in the drier....and yet the basket was still full... We did have some awesome take away though

14 DAYS WORTH OF MALE WASHING INCLUDING DRILLING OIL UNIFORMS ARE NOT FUN!!! However I did by the end of the week manage to see the bottom of the washing basket and felt a sense of personal achievement and was very proud that I was able to achieve keeping the house somewhat tidy, take children out and keep on top of the washing...

PM: Now of course I should have mentioned that I had a long list of to do things for Wednesday none of them got done...as Joshua needed to go to the Dr in the afternoon. I also of course got caught up doing ahem...domestic duties at D's during the day...I assure you it was washing, washing that took most of the day...
D stayed at my place that night which was really nice, it was very nice to have a male stay in my personal space as it has been a long time since that has happened, a long time since I have trusted to have someone in Joshua's space that way as well.

Thursday 11th March 2010:

AM: Woke up with Joshua who didn't go to preschool and let D sleep in as Joshua was not up to going to preschool. D went to have lunch with his parents which was lovely and when Joshua slept for me I fart arsed around on Facebook, completed some reading on communications and statistics for university because they are such wonderful subjects to be doing.

PM: A gorgeous friend dropped over to check base with me and drop over some chocolate I had ordered at a chocolate party...then we had to drop it all and run as D's parents came up and we were all picking Princess M from school and having McDonald's to celebrate D's 30th which was last week... we had an awesome time there despite some issues during the end but it was wonderful and really really nice to catch up with D's parents and feel like I made a connection.

We then got back to Newcastle and D and I went to Zumba which was awesome! We had so so much fun! We then came home and had a wonderful night of a bottle of wine, candle lit bath, soaking in bubbles and chatting..good old fashioned chatting and then of course more housework lol..

Friday 12th March 2010:

AM: I honestly after all the toing and froing cannot remember who took who home but I got home in the morning lol and of course spent the day with Joshua. We had morning tea at Gloria Jeans and Josh really liked that it was nice to have some mummy and Joshua time. D was out and about doing his own stuff but popped in here unexpectedly and that was really nice. He then of course went and got the girls for the weekend...that was an incredibly stressful evening.

LATE PM: We ended up with all the kidlets are D's place so Princess M and G and of course Prince J it was late as dramas happened but we made pizza and by about 10pm all children were sleeping in their beds and we got some down time and much needed beer. I did a grocery shop somewhere in there

Oh and we watched footy! That was an important highlight of the week NRL season kicked off again!! YAY!!! I am looking forward to footy season with the man and beers....

Saturday 13th March 2010:

AM: Up early around 6.20am to the sound of lots of little feet and chatting and one by one being jumped on by the kidlets...it was very very nice and rather different as well. Kidlets were fed and clothed and by 10.00am we had three children dressed and ready to head out the door, of course we were running late because we didn't really have three kids dressed and ready to go out the door...We had kids in clothes without hair done, water bottles, car seats in car, toys sorted, toilet trips etc...so Joshua and I got to Jungle Sports late but we still had fun playing volley ball...D took the two princesses out for some tea and cake...which they enjoyed, organised getting his yard mowed and looked for a mower to buy....

Arvo/PM: We basically just chilled out then we went to hire some DVD's and grocery shopping which was rather hilarious as D and I have quite different versions on what and how you deal with kids when shopping BUT I will say that in the end we kept the communication channels open we managed to keep all three kids relatively happy we didn't have a domestic and it was all okay and the kids expressed their diversity with Wiggles, Elephant Tales and Barbie DVD's.

D was great and went and got some stuff I needed from my house and the kids were pretty good in the early afternoon, we had fun and I survived...all in all not too bad!

We had dinner, I did more washing MY GOD kids make their clothes very very very messy rofl we then pretty much managed to get the children into bed fairly early. I pottered and got the rest of the housework finished like the washing up, washing and of course general tidy up and I was slightly exhausted...
BED!!!!

Sunday 14th March 2010:

AM: Wake up repeat of AM Saturday except it was a little later which was nice. We all got up and D brought me some breakfast in bed and coffee....which was awesome...I was up for a bit with the kids and D and the funny thing was at the beginning of the week I said I wanted to sleep in or rest on Sunday and I have to say that I did indeed manage to get an hour or so's sleep on Sunday morning...which was lovely considering I had averaged about 4-5hrs for the week...

I also must say in my defense I was happy to let D rest during the week and on Saturday!

PM: We took the kids to the Reptile and Frog Exhibition at Newcastle Jockey Club, the kids jumped on the jumping castle, ate chips, looked at cool snakes and cute little frogs! And we managed to take all three kids out on an adventure. Despite that prior to going out we had three toilet training accidents including a number 2, spilled popcorn, sibling rivalry between the older two and the need to declare that scooters were an INDOOR toy!

LATE PM: Its just D and I, as we were when started the week, I attempted to do some university work but it didn't really happen, we then went grocery shopping, I completed the mountain of washing, tidied up again, made D lunch and then we crashed. Up to start the working fortnight at 4 am!!

So looking back on that week it was insane and crazy we juggled three children, D's commitments with his house, his family, his girls, dealing with some domestic issues. I dealt with work, balancing domestic duties of a fairly full on nature from having only myself and Joshua to look after and of course Mum but she is such a domestic goddess to washing, cooking and cleaning for a family of 5! I must say though that D was very good with the cooking and the general cleaning and stuff. We did manage to cope and the house was still standing. I also had to go to work, take Joshua to a new daycare center and still managed to get to dance twice.

I did realize that it will be very important that I either focus on myself on the two weeks D is away at work and make sure that I am up to date with my uni work and I also need to make sure that I still have some down time and do some uni work when D is home for the week otherwise I may end up burning the candle at both ends...

So I am looking back on this incredible week and feeling very happy that I survived it and am looking forward to doing it again in two weeks time :)

Beware: A long self-indulgent ramble

2010-02-28T22:36:00.000+11:00
Determination and persistence are integral and recurring themes in my life at the moment and in many facets of it so I am going to take some time out here to be very self-indulgent and to rant, ramble and even partake in some reverie. I need to on occasion as being pragmatic, logical and level headed is not the best for my mental health. I can detach myself from the situation I am experiencing however the danger with this is that I don't actually experience the feelings of the situation.

So at the moment determination and persistence are incredibly important for me in quitting smoking for self-explanatory reasons. Quitting is freaking hard and there are times I would love to have a cigarette, I know exactly why it is not good for me, I know why quitting is the better choice, I freaking enjoyed smoking dammit! I want one! But I haven't had one.

The next facet in my life where determination and persistence are the focus is in how I have chosen to raise Joshua. I have a non-physical approach to discipline. I have never smacked Joshua as a form of discipline or as a sanction for an inappropriate action. I have had to tap him twice when he was causing me pain and may have seriously injured me with his behavior but I have never ever smacked him as a punishment. I do not believe in it...I don't really want to use this particular entry as a soap box to stand on and sprout why I don't think physical punishment works..suffice to say I choose not to smack because I do not believe a lesson learned through fear is the best method of teaching.

However, where determination and persistence relate to my parenting choices and methods is that I have had to maintain my determination in the parenting choices I have made. I have felt so close to loosing it and smacking Joshua...however I have also had to persist with the path I chose as a parent for Joshua and continue to parent him the same way I always have. Its freaking hard...at times I do think I have set myself up to fail...I have chosen some ridiculously moral highroad to parent from....then I also have days like I had where I can see that Joshua is learning. He was able to amuse himself today for quite extended periods of time, he willingly dressed himself, he taught himself how to use the laptop he made up games in his room, he practiced drawing. At the end of the end of the day he looked at me and told me he had a good day and "I was good I didn't even argue" so I think he is learning from me....and I am still learning from him. Persistence will pay off (hopefully....)

Exercise is the other area where I can apply the themes of determination and persistence. Determination is relevant because I have been determined to get back into my fitness regime and I have managed to do that. I have gone back to dance lessons, started back at the gym, have seen a personal trainer..the persistence required is following through with healthy eating, keeping my motivation to go to classes, to not make excuses to not exercise when uni resumes. Persistence will be the hardest part of my fitness goals. I hope I can be persistent especially as I want to continue to feel fitter and healthier. I also would like to work on my aesthetic appearance. I can never reclaim my pre-child body however I can feel really comfortable and hot in this post-child body! If I am determined and persistent.

Then of course there is study, again these two themes are self-explanatory in relation to this facet of my life. But they are important if I am not determined then I will not be able to be persistent. And at times being determined to graduate from uni is particularly hard when I have a child to juggle with work and study, the end goal sometimes seems to be miles away. It also means that I have to make some sacrifices financially and lifestyle wise. But I also need to look at the larger picture and realize that determination and persistence now will result in far better outcomes for my son and I later in our lives.

Probably the most current aspect of my life relating to determination and persistence is my romantic relationship. And its probably the part of my life where it is least productive to approach in a completely logical and pragmatic way. With parenting, study, fitness, quitting smoking I can control the outcomes or rather I am responsible for the outcomes of these situations. What I mean is that the amount of determination and persistence that I apply to these situations will directly effect the results and I am solely responsible for those outcomes.

At the moment the relationship I am in is complicated and this requires determination to make it work and persistence in communicating with each other and negotiating the way things are being done. Fortunately and unfortunately the issues in the relationship aren't reversible as they involve children and children come first no matter what. However it is hard for me, I approach most issues logically and with pragmatism with the aim to solve the problem as quickly and as painlessly as possible for everyone involved. In relationships this means I am often not addressing the emotional issues which worry me the most. I can be as bloody determined and as persistent as I want in romantic relationships but I am also completely and utterly vulnerable, I am only in charge of half the outcome......

In every other aspect of my life I drive...I am in control...in romance...in relationships I am not...I am only fifty-percent responsible for the outcome. I have to entrust myself to someone else, have faith in someone else and I am not sure I like it. Throw into the mix that there are issues which make this a LOT easier said then done and I am not sure I am strong enough to do this...then at times I also think there is no way I am strong enough to not do it...Which is all very confusing to write and very confusing to read and makes me sound like I am unsure. I don't think I am unsure of the relationship I am just petrified that I am going to be hurt. I would really like a guarantee that I am not going to be hurt...and then being truthfully and painfully honest there is the temptation to take control of the situation by stopping it..which is so totally cutting my nose off to spite my face. If I can't guarantee the outcome will be good I will guarantee the outcome will be bad....silly ridiculous logic. Its the logic of my four year old. You won't play with me you don't love me anymore.

So this reflection of how determination and persistence applies to my life leads me to think about what I actually want out of life. I know that I want to be fit, smoke-free and graduate from university with a Bachelor of Laws and to be a lawyer who is also a mother who has raised an articulate, self-disciplined son who is able to independently think through the consequences of their actions. These goals however all seem to focus on the material outcomes and achievements of my life but not how I actually want to feel and the emotional experience of the journey. This leads me back to the beginning of this entry where I said my approach to life often means I seem to forget to experience the feelings of situations.

At the moment in my relationship I am dealing with feelings of anxiety, fear, insecurity, vulnerability, joy, protection support, understanding and love....such a ridiculous contradiction of emotions but that is I suppose the very essence of human relationships. The messy, blurred edges are what makes us human. The very fact that we communicate through symbols and abstract meaning and sub-text is what sets us apart from animals, not just spoken language but the unspoken interpretation of language....Ah now here is the rambling I promised. Perhaps that is is I don't do messy feeling very well..I maybe have chosen a career like law because emotion and feelings and human behavior is framed within the context of law, it can be categorized and explained through logical and proven arguments. I think it is this fear of vulnerability of exposure which has held me back a lot throughout my life. I am afraid of what people will see if I let my guard down, I like to keep some kind of barrier between myself and other people. The only other person in this world who has not experienced that barrier is my son. He is a part of me, I for these first few years of his life are all he has to rely on, therefore he needs me completely and without reservation thus I don't have to hide from him.

Everyone else to some degree has experienced this wall. However for the first time in my adult life I am considering letting it down, cracks have emerged and I am not sure I like them. I am seriously considering trying to plug them back up with concrete or heavy duty silicone. I am scared, I don't like feeling that my barriers are being chipped away. I especially don't like feeling like that when I have no guarantee I will be safe.

So for the moment I am going to try an allow myself to keep control and determination and persistence in the other aspects of my life but allow myself to feel a little more in my relationships, to experience that journey even if that means experiencing some not so nice feelings along the way because chances are that the positive, good feelings will outweigh the negative and I will not need to employ toddler logic if I allow myself to feel a little exposed.

Well wow that was a long cathartic entry...if you made it to the end! Well done!

Achievements

2010-02-09T12:50:00.000+11:00
I wanted 2010 to be a year of fresh starts and moving forward and it has been that and also in some ways a time of rebirth and renewing old habits which is a good thing...
Firstly I have quit smoking, I will not lie and say it has been easy, but I definitely cannot see myself taking the habit up again full time and that feels very good. I have also started dancing again which is fantastic both for my health but also for my creativity its nice to use my brain in a way that is totally unrelated to study or motherhood or work.

I have had a few hurdles as I have had to withdraw from a few classes at uni this last semester and have made the decision that I am NOT superwoman therefore I may need to make my workload two classes one semester then three then two rather then trying to do three classes all year round...otherwise I will indeed go insane....but it is better to learn these things before completely loosing one's sanity and I haven't had a break from study in close to two years so having a few weeks off before the next semester starts is a real treat.

I have learnt how to employ someone as an Authorised Supervisor which was a huge learning curve but I also feel quite chuffed that I have had such a direct input into my son's early education and the quality he will receive and the direction the preschool will take in this crucial last year before school.

I have had the chance to renew some old friendships with some very dear friends, to embark and strengthen new ones and have also had the opportunity to allow romance back into my life. I am feeling very happy and fulfilled and its a wonderful start to the year....

Of course there are negatives in amongst the positives however that is to be expected otherwise life wouldn't be challenging...I think probably the hardest obstacle I face at the moment is meeting the demands of single parenthood coupled with my needs and wants as an individual adult woman. Joshua's father and I try very hard to remain civilised and polite however at times it spills over into an argument and negotiating being separated but parenting together is a difficult task and one which I haven't mastered just yet. I am sure that in time we will however I do think I need to put more time and energy into fixing this problem now before it becomes more of a contentious problem later down the track. I have also realised I need to take time out for myself and be kinder to myself..as I have mentioned before I wear a lot of hats, mum, student, preschool president, friend, employee and now throw into the mix girlfriend it gets a little confusing.. So I am trying to make sure that I have down time and that I am more organised and proactive about life.

That is probably what 2010 represents to me, taking control of my future, I have worked bloody hard over the last few years to get here and now that I am here I have had to take a deep breath, stop and assess what is going on around me and realise that I cannot do everything at once and do it well however I can break things down into manageable steps and complete each step very well and to the best of my ability and take time to nurture myself in the process...

All in all I am very happy with the beginnings of 2010 I am pretty sure this next decade will rock!

A week of mixed emotions

2010-01-08T04:09:00.001+11:00
When I say week I probably should say few weeks!
The Christmas rush is over by about 3 weeks it was fantastic except for the fact Joshua was sick so that mean Christmas Day was LOT more low key then it usually is BUT I did indeed cook my first ever baked dinner and for Christmas Lunch to boot. It turned out fantastically and it was lovely to see all my family....I was very spoiled and then we got to go to the coast to see Poppy and Nanny Ches and of course my gorgeous nephew and my sister and her fiance!

After the madness that is Christmas week we came home and did the whole New Years Eve gig...OH THAT'S RIGHT I forgot the bit where we chose our puppy! Jack is his name and rather he and Joshua chose each other...we are picking up Jack on Sunday and as much as I know throwing a dog into the mix is slightly insane I am very excited....

I was a little sad though as I missed catching up with some good girlfriends of mine on the coast...I feel bad that I still haven't properly spoken to my Ambs...I will ring her before I head to the coast again on Sunday its just that this being a mum seems to well make doing stuff for me bloody hard at times....

However this week is one week where I refuse to complain, a family that I know in Newcastle lost their 10yr old daughter as the result of a car accident...and upon finding that out after enjoying a day with some gorgeous girlfriends and our kids at Blackbutt I realised how very very very lucky I am...So I have decided that I am not going to complain about well about motherhood or Josh or anything else remotely trivial until at least next month...

Uni has started again..I am again behind...but that seems to be me in general with Uni however I am sure that I will catch up...I am hoping that over this weekend I can achieve a fair bit. We also start interviewing next week for a new Director/Supervisor for Josh's preschool and then I start back at work on the 25th of January...

I did however in light of the news I mentioned above decide to stop procrastinating about several things...a) dancing and b) quitting smoking. So I got my Champix prescription filled which I start taking earlier today to begin the journey of being a non-smoker and I went to Dance class tonight...except I was the only one who turned up for the 8pm class...

This meant that I got to have a half hour private Cha Cha Cha lesson....it was very fun but I am also bloody sore now...I tell you how the hell people do this and make it look so effortless I have no idea...I can dance...well I can move and make it look like I am dancing but ballroom/latin is completely different.

So all in all I have felt joy, excitement, sadness, motivation and a little overwhelmed over the last few weeks. Now it is 4.21am in the morning and I really really really should get a few hours sleep before I wake up to start all over again...

I will upload a photo of our gorgeous new puppy very soon!

Christmas....

2009-12-20T00:51:00.000+11:00
Its 12.51am and I so should be in bed but I'm not...I am enjoying some down time from study knowing that I have a bit to catch up on but still a fair bit of time before panic stations sets in...

Today I spent the day organising new house-rules and reward chart for Joshua after several incidents and it made me think about how much life has changed over the last four years...not just for me but for my close friends and family as well...

Prior to kids, marriage, getting older, work commitments etc the week leading up to Christmas was always one of meeting up for drinks, getting drunk, having dinner with friends and family and madly Christmas shopping and working out what would be the best/sexiest outfit to wear on Christmas Day. Even last year I was meant to catch up with some of my best girls for drinks on Christmas Eve but I couldn't make it...Christmas Eve drinks is a tradition which is on hold for the moment...Mum duties await...I need to help "Santa" with the presents...I put out cookies or chocolate and reindeer food and ensure that Santa can find his way into the house and that stockings are hung waiting for presents...

But in the last few years Christmas has also been the time of weddings for two of my dearest friends, one of whom I was blessed to be a bridesmaid for, another gorgeous girlfriend of mine regularly comes back home from overseas for Christmas and just recently another of my long time friends had a gorgeous baby son! So our lives are moving forward and maturing and changing and evolving. As they should....

Also this year all of my brothers and sisters (step) have had bubbas so its a full on Christmas. And truly to me this is what Christmas is about...its about the magic of the Fatman...the glory for the guy in the Red Suit with flying reindeer...

I am enjoying being Santa's helper...in fact I love it...as much as I loved getting drunk on Christmas Eve and waking up and thinking about looking pretty for the family photos and opening my decadent and numerous presents I am equally happy with this stage of Christmas....I will be dog-tired from organising presents in the morning, I will wake up hoping that I didn't leave any incriminating evidence and praying that the bags under my eyes even out in the flash, I will happily and joyfully open my handmade presents from preschool which I will treasure as they were made for me by my son and there will probably be less under the tree for me BUT there will be lots under the tree for my son....

This probably brings me to another interesting thing I have been thinking about lately. I know that a lot of people believe children of this generation...those born in the 2000's are the Generation NOW they are spoiled and indulged and I know that a lot of people seem to think that it is important to teach children they cannot always get exactly what they want from Santa....I also know some people who always say the big present is from them..definitely not from Santa....

I probably swing the other way...I like giving the man in the red suit all the glory...I am pretty confident that his kick arse presents on Christmas morning in the long run will not ruin the effort I put in 24/7 days a week to create a son who has high morals and ethics, decent values, exceptional manners and respect for others..even if he doesn't necessarily like them or what they stand for... So I probably do indulge the little man at Christmas...BUT I would argue that half the problem of the Generation NOW is that there is no magic that everything is so technological and cold and materialistic that there childhood is soooo much shorter then mine or my parents...

Yes I know every generation says this but I don't know even the television shows that are on now appear to be more complex and involved then they were when I was growing up, its harder and harder to see a division between clothes for young girls who are prepubescent and girls who are tweens and teenagers...Sex sells and our children are seeing it earlier and earlier....Christmas itself loses some of its gloss with the whole merchandise in the shops from freaking October....

So I decide to bring the gloss back by creating that magic in my house...by letting the Fatman have the glory, by allowing Joshua to revel in the myth, fable, story, lie, call it whatever, that is Christmas....

And you know what it means for me I get to have a chance to live that magic again..to simply enjoy the whole idea of Christmas magic..it means I get to spend the day on the lounge watching Frosty the Snowman again, its means I can justify watching Bob the Builder Christmas specials...

I am sure there will be time enough for Christmas Eve and the week leading up to it to be spent catching up with my friends and having drinks in quite a few years time...and we will probably be discussing the fact that our kids have gotten too bloody old to spend Christmas eve at home....

Ramblings...definitely ramblings.....

2009-12-16T01:31:00.000+11:00

Well I have contemplated writing my blog and haven't really gotten around to it...but as I finish another semester at uni exhausted and mentally drained and another year comes to a close and Christmas is only 10 days away...I have decided now is the time to start writing again..writing for me and hopefully some other silly, I mean erm, friends, who want to read this...

So where should I start well, at the moment I am a solo mummy, a student of Criminology, a casual uni tutor/simulated patient for medical, physio and pharmacy students and those are just my official jobs....I am also extremely blessed I have an amazing son who is 4.5 years old, a fantastic Mum, Dad, (step)Mum, Sister, Brother, Nephews, Nieces, Great Uncle, Nanny, Ma, Aunty, Uncles, Cousins...the list goes on and on for my large extended, dysfunctional BUT highly supportive family. I have some of the most wonderful friends, some who I see a lot, others who live in different states who I don't see as much, and some who live only a few minutes away who I don't see as much as I should, but I am blessed to have them in my life...I know I can count on them when I need them too!

I am going to write some rather sentimental crap now...so tune out if you wish..but the last few weeks have been manic crazy and full on exams, assessments, work, medical students exams at work...the list goes on and on....organsing preschool stuff for the committee...crazy....BUT the Christmas Tree was put up......in amongst all this craziness and it was a task I was dreading especially with my 4.5yr old to help me...I love him dearly but most days I think his ears are painted on, I can ask him 50 times to do something and he won't hear me, he cannot sit still in one spot for very long, he seems incapable of amusing himself when I need to study, he has tantrums and breaks things....well at least that is what it feels like...

So I had trepidation about putting up the tree...I also had study that needed doing after a bout of pleurisy....so I bribed him to go to sleep for a few hours and got all of the Christmas decorations up...NOW usually I love Christmas...have the tree up 1st December on the dot! But as above, things were crazy this year....

Josh woke up and that is when I learned a very important lesson...its all about the process not the product and as adults we would do a lot to remember that....my gorgeous intelligent little man surprised me so much with his ability to do the tree with me...in fact I would have to say that he was in control of it....

Basically he brought all the branches into me...helped me color code the branch piles, brought the piles I needed over to me, carefully unpacked the several bags and boxes of decorations, sorted out tinsel, brought that in....and not one, not ONE single ornament was broken, I did not need to ask him more then once to do something...he thought about how to put the decorations on..he asked for help when he needed it but for the most part was happy to do it on his own...he lovingly and thoughtfully placed all the decorations on the tree...he brought his step over to put them on...it was wonderful to watch....

I was so,so,so wrong about the whole experience....for him this was PROCESS worth enjoying, worth investing time and patience into, it MEANT something to him, it had VALUE for him...from his perspective as a child..something I sometimes think I forget when I am nagging him to come and do this, to go and do that...seriously at 4.5 years of age what is more important or valuable, putting the shoes on so mum can get to an exam on some thing called "oooniversity" and "cimonology" or that really really really interesting dead Christmas Beetle on the floor that opens up his entire mind to the possibilities of how did it die? Why did it die? Why do they come inside and die? Wow look at all its pieces? And you know what dammit the beetle is more interesting then my freaking exam.......

When given the responsibility of decorating the Christmas Tree Joshua did it very well, brilliantly, with so much care and consideration....and the product looked wonderful, quite a fantastic job..I usually pride myself on a well balanced decoration tree and ours was for the most part....then of course there was tinsel...

Now think about this...all the trees in the catalogs have no bloody tinsel on them..why coz tinsel is a tricky medium in decoration...it makes those clean well balanced lines of decorations of matched colors and sizes become blurred into the background.

Josh loves tinsel...and his words to me were "Lets make tinsel rain Mummy, colorful tinsel rain is coming down" and literally threw the tinsel onto the tree in clumps and bits, some is hanging on the ground and there is hardly any in the middle, a lot on the right hand side and a smaller amount on the left. And Joshua also covered up the decorations he had so lovingly put on the tree....and you know what HE DIDN'T CARE...he KNEW that he had gone through the process.. he knew they were there underneath the beautiful tinsel rain...

It was not about end product it was about the process and boy was it an amazing process to watch...I now know my son can complete a long task from start to finish, has excellent fine motor skills, is able to logically think through how to put things up high by bringing a step over, can handle things that are precious very carefully and thoroughly enjoys tinsel...and is quite creative!

From now on I am going to focus a little more on the process...like today after another huge week we were Pirates in the carpark at Glendale, yes I looked like a mad woman walking down the pathway talking like a pirate..but boy it made the process of doing the shopping and rushing around so much more fun...

So that is my first blog, the beginning of my ramblings....